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A Solid Body Shot

A friend of mine lent me her copy of “World War Z” a book documenting the oral history the war against the zombies as told by the survivors. It is a well executed novel and has me dreaming of exploding heads and such right now but those visions will pass.  I must say that I don’t really get the whole gestalt of the zombie horror culture; there are books and movies and video games and lord knows what else, probably doggie costumes and cupcake mix. Zombies are persistent if anything.  I guess the whole idea of the massing of uncountable numbers of slowly advancing unthinking undead creatures that demand death or assimilation appeals to a certain crowd.

Friday we received some samples of Benjamin Moore’s new ADVANCE waterborne alkyd paint. It has some good points. It covers well, it’s glossy, it tints with the new Gennex tints and has super low odor.  Like all the samples we get I spread some out on a sample card with a 3 mil plastic drawdown bar and set it aside in the office.  Sunday afternoon the paint was still so soft and tacky  it could be scratched apart like the silvery wax on a lottery ticket. Maybe it’ll harden to alkyd like expectations in a couple more days.  Maybe we should have added tint to it though I didn’t see a disclaimer saying that it had to be tinted like AURA says on its label.  So far, it dries too fast and cures too slow. But it cleans up with water for the first few minutes; isn’t that a good thing?

I’m thinking of coming out with an additive for paints that makes it zombie proof. The lawyers will probably insist that we claim 99% zombie resistant,  especially since we don’t have any zombies to test it against.  We already sell paint to monkey zoos and no paints are gorilla proof but,  with a little secret snake oil, your paint can be zombie proof – guaranteed.

It seems the paint industry, if not the rest of the world has it’s own set of zombies steadily creeping up,  moaning away with that horrible keening. Global climate change,  embedded lead poisoning,  benzene rings, Chinese drywall, toxic mold, V.O.C.s, H.A.P.S., governmental regs.  Wwwooooooooo  must eat brains. Ben Moore is doing whatever they can think of to bring to market a comprehensive set of waterborne paint and tint systems to provide usable solutions for the future.

There was one tale in the book, as told by a soldier who was part of the US Army assembled at a valley choke point, ostensibly to wipe out as many of the zombie horde as possible,  and yet they could not stop them from advancing. Devastating weapons, soldiers with full armor and real time electronic communication, they had all the latest devices the army could think of to stop another army. And the unthinking zombies kept coming, not caring, undissuaded, moving forward.

Right now, Advance seems like a solid body shot in the zombie war. Maybe, after years of reformulating their best paints to take the alkyd out of the resin, Moore now will have the technology to put it back in. Remember the Alkyd Modified labels; people used to wonder about how come you had to wash your brushes first with water and then mineral spirits.   The paint industry is assembling the weapons, but somehow I think we’re still going to be over run at some point. Get your Zombie proof paint – Only at O-Gee.


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